It’s a hard fact of romantic life in that some people are prepared to commit to a relationship at the drop of a hat whilst others seem to want to take off the moment that you have mentioned getting serious. It’s difficult to tell in the early stages of course if you have snagged one of the commitment friendly ones or if you are going to lose your heart to someone who is going to let you down in the romantic stakes.
Both men and women can feel this way of course, they love the feeling of ‘being part of a couple’, they enjoy the flirtatious element in getting to know someone and they may even hint that they are falling in love too but, once the ‘M’ word is mentioned, you will soon know that marriage is not on the cards, not in a million years.
Marriage may not be the top of your own list either, you might just want a partner who loves you and cares about you. Commitment for you might come in the form of living together after a respectable period of getting to know each other, but it’s what happens when your date talks the talk but has no intention of getting beyond the let’s go out a couple of times a week stage.
Commitment issues can also come in the form of an aversion to devoting themselves to just one person too, so if your partner isn’t that keen to see you too often and seems to make a lot of excuses, work, family, sports etc, it may well be that they are playing away too.
You can’t help who you fall in love with but it’s important to know if you are attracted to a commitment phobic. So how do you detect whether the potential new love of your life falls into this category? Often, you can look back at their dating history as this will provide a great indicator to their emotional stability but when asked why they never settled down, they are likely to say that it’s because they have never found their ideal love, until now. You might feel bowled over by their intensity which can make it seem so much worse when reality dawns.
Often a commitment phobic will shower you with attention and gifts because they are attracted to the feel-good flirtatious banter within a new relationship. They like the chase of a new lover and will do anything to please you in those early stages. There is no doubt that you will feel loved, you will feel like a million dollars and wonder how they stayed single or unmarried for so long. You will love it when they talk about ‘we’ and ‘us’ and it will make you feel like they are in the relationship for the long haul.
Someone with real commitment issues however cannot sustain this enthusiasm, passion and loyalty. The moment that you surrender to these joyous feelings of the perfect relationship, their interest will start to wane. It’s inevitable. They are driven by deep inner contradictory emotions that rule their love lives, they are unable to commit even if they wanted to. It’s an addiction. They might like and care for you but they cannot walk away from new opportunities so whilst they don’t want the ties that you represent, they don’t want to be without you completely either. So now you enter the yo-yo effect where your emotions are bounced around and you are not sure what to do anymore. Do you walk away or hope that they will come to their senses?
In reality, tears, tantrum, bouts of extended pleading or threatening are unlikely to make them change. This behaviour is deeply embedded and following you, there will be a succession of others. Don’t blame yourself for the sudden disconnection, commitment phobia is very real. It’s an emotional disorder that doesn’t just go away when the right relationship comes along. Their behaviour is influenced often by their perception of relationships and examples from their childhood potentially.
As painful as it can be, accept the inevitable and get on with your own life. Trying to resurrect something that was not real in the first place will just tie you up in knots emotionally. Give yourself some time out and acknowledge that the problem was not yours to deal with and once you have started to heal your emotional wounds, get back out there and find someone a lot more deserving of your love.