We’ve all been there, suffered the tortuous rejections of relationship break-ups, spent days, weeks and months, wallowing in the depths of self-misery and all because the so-called love of our lives has rejected us, preferring someone else (unbelievably) or ‘needing time out’ but breaking our hearts in the process.
Whether it is the powerful emotions of first love or someone we have been with for a long time, the bonds of love can be inextricably long and very hard to break. Someone always has to love the other more, but it can be hard to be the one who has much deeper feelings than the one who decided to casually call it a day. Some relation break-ups are easier to cope with of course because as sad as it may be, both people involved have come to the same conclusion; the love affair had run its natural course.
But moving on from a painful relationship is a different thing altogether even more so if you have shared inseparable days and nights and companionship and friendship had been intermingled with racy nights between the sheets. Losing someone is hard. You might feel as if there is a gaping hole in your life and you have nothing now in which can fill it.
Don’t worry. It’s natural to feel that way; a failed relationship is almost like experiencing bereavement, ok they haven’t died, but there is no longer that special connection, or knowing that they are thinking and caring about you and you know deep down that you will never hold them again and that at some point you are going to have to move on.
But how exactly do you move on? Whilst we all suffer these crossroads in our lives, we all deal with it differently. I know many people who have just jumped straight back into the dating game and immersed themselves into the next romantic or sexual relationship and for some, this seems to work. You have to consider though whether this really is the answer. It might be a temporary solution to help with those feelings of abandonment and rejection (and we all need a boost to our egos at times) but if we don’t identify with our own feelings of loss or betrayal, it’s more difficult to then move on. There may be an abundance of eager others out there, waiting in line to help us through this heartbreak but will they erase the deep ache and emotional pain? Probably not, at least not until time has healed some of the wounds at least.
Even when you start dating again, you have to learn to not compare every new romantic interest with the one that you lost. You might find yourself subconsciously looking for a replacement, same hair colour, looks similar, has the same smile, but do you really think that this is the solution? Finding someone who looks similar or who acts in a similar way is always going to remind you of the one that broke your heart. Mentally cut those emotional strings and start welcoming people into your life who have their own qualities, in time you can learn to love them for who they are and not for whom they might have been.
When time has passed a little, you can allow yourself to look back over your previous relationship with a little more clarity, was it really as perfect as you remembered? Did it give you all of your emotional needs and make you feel special? Were you truly happy?
At some point, you may be able to answer that it wasn’t perfect, you might have been in love but that doesn’t equate to a love that was good. It may be that your ex wasn’t as caring as you would have liked but you put up with it because you were in love. Maybe your ex wasn’t generous emotionally but again, you were in love and no one is perfect. When you consider the past, you are not trying to belittle your memories, but just make sense of the romantic dream that came and went. It’s hard to see the true picture when it’s tinged with that perfect rosy glow, strip it back to its basics and often there is a subconscious stream of truth shining through.
Don’t make the mistake of freezing your emotions but instead make up your mind that when someone deserving comes along, you will welcome them into your life and enjoy the romance for what it is and for who they are. No comparisons, learn to let go of past fears and self doubts and you never know, the next one you meet, just might be that perfect match.